Topic Title: My Experience
| |  "My Experience"
, Thu 23 Mar 10:57:
Hello all
This is my first post in this forum, tho I have been 'lurking' for about a week.
I am a 39 yr old woman living in the southeast US. I have two teenage children, and just recently re-married. My previous marriage (divorced 3+ years ago) lasted close to 15 years. My ex-husband was diagnosed BiPolar a few years before we split up, and treated himself in the 'traditonal' way. Self medicating. It was a very difficult life, to say the least. It was one of those situations that you don't realize just HOW bad it is, til you get OUT and look back. Long story short, I ended up sole guardian of my 2 children. My ex lost all parental rights, and a judge re-inforced this with a restraining order to protect us further. This was almost 3 years ago. Since then, I have been Mom AND Dad... sole provider...and trying to heal myself and my kids after our ordeal. When I met my now current husband, it took me a good deal of time and effort to trust. Thankfully, I 'caught' a good one, and I feel very blessed to say that I am no longer alone as I face the challenges of life.... and neither is he.
However, I have struggled with what I will call "marginal depression" for years and years. I truly believed that once I was out of my past marriage, had complete custody of my kids...that my emotional state would balance out.
But life has a funny way of continuing to throw more challenges at you, doesn't it? Since I lost my job last June, life tossed more wing-dingers at me...and it seemed I began to slip, badly. I am too stubborn to even be considered suicidal...and I am too stubborn to give up on myself. I don't want that for my kids, and bottom line... I am all they have in the parents department. I also dont want this for my new husband... such a loving and wonderful man. Most of all, tho, I don't want this for ME.
They say most people need to get to a 'rock bottom' point before they take a good look at themselves and say "Whoa... I have GOT to do something about this". My rock bottom was last Thursday. Life has challenges, thats a fact and a blessing to the living....but I lost my ability to cope. I lost my ability to deal. I had no focus, no drive...I had given up. My emotional state was..well..it was pathetic. I had such mixed up feelings and I couldn't even see what was rational, and what irrational. I lost what I call my 'depth perception'. I could no longer distinguish between 'deep' challenges... and not-so-deep challenges. A simple fight between my husband and I would leave me reeling for days....and oddly, severe moments left me in this shocked, non-emotional state. Hard to describe. Perhaps those that have been there can relate to what I am trying to express.
Last Thursday night, I did something I have never done. I acknowledged vocally to my husband that I am depressed and I need help... I can't do this alone. Talk about feeling vulnerable...and like a failure! Ugh! But I know it has come to the point where I have to do something. I dont want to leave the house, let alone get up or dressed. I tried to make my responsibilities simple to help fight this feeling of being over-whelmed. All I had to do was eat...and sleep. I didn't do either of those things well either.
I either couldnt sleep.... or slept too much...and no matter HOW long I slept, I was still exhausted.
I couldn't eat. I am a petite (ok, scrawny..haha) person. My joke is that I weigh a solid 110 pounds soaking wet, wearing boots, AND holding my purse! When I am depressed or stressed, I DON'T eat (I know this is different for everyone). When I weighed myself (out of fear...I usually avoid scales), I was down to 104. I am 5'5"....that is NO GOOD.
I was gonna have to go see someone. I dreaded the thoughts of prescriptions meds. I dreaded the thought of therapy (been there, done that)...but I knew something had to give.
My search for advice brought me here.
I read every single word on this site in one sitting. I absorbed every word of hope...and I noted those that did not have positive experiences. This site is very well balanced with info. Its not a sales pitch, its reality about St Johns Wort and how it works for many and doesn't work for others.
The Day After (hence my screen name) I read everything, I decided to give SJW a try. At this point, what did I have to lose? If it was even a CHANCE that I could avoid prescription meds....it was well worth a try!
As I said before, I am a small framed person... OKAY, I am scrawny...haha! I am also very sensitive to medication. I decided to ease my body into it, and took one the first day. I'm tellin' ya, I FELT it kick in. In my journal I wrote that it felt like a small dose of arenaline....like that feeling of anticipation. I just felt good....and also like nothing could really upset me (day to day stuff). My head felt alittle 'tingly' and I also experienced that 'band around your head' feeling that some have written about. It wasn't painful...not even annoying... it was just...well, it was just there.
The first three days were good, minus my ability to really rest when I was sleeping. Had that feeling like my mind was a TV that just didnt turn all the way off....but I still woke up ok. I took my pill (300 mg) in the mid morning along with a multi vitamin.
I didn't tell my husband I was taking it. Honestly, I didn't want to be 'observed'...and I didnt want the self imposed pressure of it working. I wanted to just try it and see for myself. The 3rd night, he and I were just talking and laughing about nothing really, and all of a sudden he looked at me so intently. He asked me "Ok, what did you do?" When I asked him what he meant, he said "I just realized that you have been more YOU the past coupla days. Your eyes are clear..you seem really present, and that 'cloud' over you seems to have gone away"
My answer, "Well, baby... it all started the Day After I read about St Johns Wort"
Ironically, later that same night, I could feel it start to wear off. I guess it takes 72 hours for a body to adjust. I was starting to sleep a bit better, too, but I made the decision to go to 2 pills a day starting the next day.
I now take one pill in the morning, and one at night. Last night was the first time I took one before bed, and I slept WONDERFULLY. I no longer get that 'tingly' feeling, but I have this 'even keel feeling' all the time. That band around my head thing has also stopped. I guess I COULD say it has caused me to gain weight, but I dont think SJW ITSELF causes one to gain weight. I think the change of your emotional state helps change your eating pattern in RESPONSE to that emotional state. In my case, I feel better, so I eat. I also make a POINT to eat...and to eat BETTER. These are all very GOOD changes for me.
The changes from tSJW are so subtle for me. Its not a CURE-ALL by any means. SJW is a VERY helpful aid to help someone have the desire, and inner strength, to make all the changes that are needed. For many of us, if just ONE pill gave us the desire to even wake up in the morning...well, thats like a miracle, isn't it? Just a little help to take that edge off.
As I said, the change is becoming more and more subtle as I grow accustomed to it. I know I am not imagining the effects simply because I can feel it wear off. I'm gonna tell you something, since I have now been to the 'other side', I am NOT a big fan of it wearing off! I may need to get to the recommended dosage fo 3 a day, and thats ok. I just want to maintain this even keel. Its not numbing, either, in case my (very long) post alludes to that. It is very important to me that I can feel happy, and also that I can feel sad (WHEN its warranted). I just really love waking up in the morning now. Its such a nice change thinking "Thank you God, I woke up" when there were SOOOOOOO many nights I would lie down and not care if I ever woke up again or not. It is such a waste of time to have such a negative attitude about your very own existence. I know, first hand, that one cannot force themselves out of this attitude...and oh, the guilt that comes with having so many blessings and feeling SO crappy in spite of them! I was flat out beating myself up because "What right did I have to be depressed??!?!"
We have every right. Sadly, we can't help it. We dont WANT to BE depressed, but fact is, we are. We are human, and humans are imperfect. Sometimes, we need help. It's ok...and its all gonna BE ok.
I encourage ANYONE reading this, to try. Just try St Johns Wort. It works differently for everyone. It is NOT a miracle that will fix all difficulties in your life. Its not gonna make your husband great and your kids behave. It wont do your laundry or pay the bills. It wont face the issues that need to be faced FOR you..and it will NOT make those issues go away. But, for me, it DID take the edge off... it gave me my 'spark' back. I feel more 'clear' and wayyyy less cloudy. I can not only multi -task again, but I can multi task with FOCUS. It also gave me the ability to see just how low I WAS. Again in my life, it is one of those situations that you dont know just how bad it is, til you are OUT and look BACK.
To Kelly, and to every single person that posted even ONE word on this site... THANK YOU! One of the biggest blessings of all is people like you in this world who take time out of their day to share with others. You can all rest assured that you have helped no less than THIS one person.
Thank you.
(y'all can wake up now... I am done typing and this post is done...hahahahha)
[this message was edited by DayAfter on Thu 23 Mar 11:14]
Posts: 1 | | Registered: Thu 23 Mar 2006 9:43 |
| Replies:
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| | "Re(1):My Experience" , Thu 23 Mar 11:17
As a post note, I will apologize. I realized (after submitting my original post) that this thread is for people that have been on SJW for no less than 6 weeks. My first post and I ALREADY broke a rule! I'm not to the 6 week mark yet, so Moderator, please feel free to move my post to wherever you feel it is appropriate.
My apologies!
Posts: 1 | | Registered: Thu 23 Mar 2006 9:43 |
| | | "Re(2):My Experience" , Thu 23 Mar 11:20
Thanks for your long post! If I could move it to the right area, I would... but this forum software is so old that I don't have that capability anymore. The new site design is coming soon, and I'll have that ability again (and much more). But for now I'll leave your messages again. At least you found the note that I put up about what this area is for... better late than never! :)
Kelly
Posts: 826 | | Registered: Thu 5 Oct 2000 21:48 |
| | | "Re(3):My Experience" , Thu 23 Mar 11:31
Thanks , Kelly... and again, my apologies.
I'll be good from here on out... I promise! haha!
Posts: 3 | | Registered: Thu 23 Mar 2006 9:43 |
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