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Where do I go from here??

Hello all,

I've always considered myself an unhappy and introverted person, but after this past year, I am sure there's something horrible wrong with me. I used to do so many things, sing, dance classes, orchestra, my art. But after I had my second child in 2004, I don't do anything.

I used to be a beautiful woman, but years past, I've gotten heavy. There's so many things wrong with me, I don't feel like a woman. I feel like some sort of alien, or a mutant, my face just seems too ugly and my body too large to be considered a woman. I feel loud and heavy and not delicate as women.

I've given up on dating, after my daughter's father left three years ago. I tried dating a very sweet man from a good family, who for the first few months thought I was wonderful and contemplated marriage. Then after six months, only wanted a physical relationship with me. After six months of that, he was still not interested in a relationship. Everyday I felt like I was bleeding in my chest, it was so painful. I thought maybe if I was a real woman, with small hands and a small body and was delicate he'd treat me like one. Instead of this fat animal he secretly screws with.

I've stopped dressing nice, now it's t shirts. Soft sweat pants. No makeup. I rarely comb my hair. My apartment has no furniture, which I lost when my ex left and I lost my job. I'm not working. I take my daughters to school back in forth in the morning. When I wake up I'm upset that I'm me.

People say I am pretty, I think they are crazy. I have no girlfriends. My birthday was last week. A few family members called, but I layed on my air mattress that night reading a book. I bought a slice of cake.

I dream about ending the suffering by suicide, but I can't. I have two daughters, and without me they would be alone. And if they went to live with their fathers, they would be gone from each other, neither would allow one to see the other.

I don't have health insurance....so I figure, I should try St John's Wort. I bought a bottle yesterday from Target. I know I need serious help, every year I just seem to get worse....crying....so sad and feelng worthless....not even human anymore. But I used to be a person, I have the potential to be one again right??

Maybe I'm just some mistake God made.

I don't know.



Regular Member
Dearest T, I wish I could give you a hug. I hope you know that God doesn't make any mistakes. He made you in his image, and I'm really glad you're taking steps toward making your life better.

It'll take a while for the St. John's Wort to start kicking in. Try taking Rhodiola Rosea, too. It will help you feel better a lot quicker than SJW and give you energy and motivation. You'll feel more like interacting and playing with your children.

Keep us posted on your progress, and please believe me when I say there are a lot of us that are pulling for you.


Forget that guy-he is a f-----g arsehole and a disgrace to men because most men are not like that! DON'T let one idiot effect the way you feel when you have 2 daughters to be strong for...how dare he do that to you??

You are not pretty because you are depressed, no'one is pretty when they are depressed so stop focusing on that (easier said than done I do it myself- start thinking I'm ugly and skinny and why can't I have a more robust, sturdy and healthy physique..but there's actually nothing wrong with me!). There's nothing wrong with you you just need to get happy again, and when you are you will be attractive again- simple as!

Take the SJW religously and maybe find a hobbie where you can enjoy the outdoors...do you have parents that can watch the kids once in a while?

If you can manage start wearing make-up etc-treat it as a necessity because if you appear to respect yourself then others will too! I know it is kinda shallow but it's human nature. we all want to be friends with people who can give us something back.

If you must take a stronger medication I know someone who takes citalepram (not sure of spelling) and she is thriving on it..but try SJW first there's no reason why it won't make you feel better.

Have faith, there are so many good people out there I know you will be happy again!