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On SJW 7 Years, To Go To Doctor Or Not?

Hi All,

New to forum. I've suffered for 30 yrs with Mild to moderate depression and have a question, the background to which I outline below. Sorry it's long winded, but would really appreciate how other's would respond.

I've been taking SJW for some 6/7 years from HBC Protocols 3 * 300 dosage. In general I have found it quite helpful and has brought me into the zone of sometimes feeling like a human being - which is an improvement.

I'm in the midst of weekly group and one on one counselling (last 4 months and 3 more months to go) and am becoming very open emotionally and reliving a lot of dark feelings and emotions I buried. Been quite tearful (not like me) and feeling a lot of sadness and loneliness and down. I am also going through a possible amicable separation, which I have a lot of fear around.

I have always done everything that I can to keep depression away, exercise, reading, meditation, various holistic things, but still I am feeling really down these days and don't know how to go on.

I am particularly struggling with motivation and to focus in work, where I need now to be really clued in. I have been very depressed, lack energy and don't seem to really care about what I am doing, even though I need work to play out well, as I need to earn and support my family .

I have considered going to my GP, but fear he will just try to put me on some anti depressant (I lack faith in Phama meds) and off SJW.

I feel I do need to work through the feelings I buried, which are bringing up a lot of tears for me. When I was hospitalised for 3 Months with Neurosis and severe depression some 30 years back, there was NO counselling. Psychiatrist at the time, they just kept asking me if I'd stopped all the weepiness. I grew up in a alcoholic home, and experienced a lot of verbal and emotional situations I should not have had to experience, when young. I believe that is the root of my 'situational depression', but the pain of reliving it is forcing me to numb out, eating for comfort etc.

My struggle is do I have the courage to keep going through the pain barrier, to get out the other side, even though it may have career and financial consequences for me and my family if I don't (I have two young children also).

I'm just looking for some ideas, thoughts or support that might help me to decide what to do. I am seriously struggling with believing I iwll be OK. I have just order SJW again, but with some L-Tryptophan to see if that helps also.

With many thanks for reading and/or commenting.
Hey Peter
Well done you for getting this far.
I think you are doing really well, and i get from your post that the councelling is helping - even tho it seems to you to be bringing up difficult things for you - they may well be alot of the cause of the problem so stick with it, that is how you will heal in your way. If you have found a way - however alien or truamatic to you, to release things inside, then use it to get strong, it is in no way a weakness - it takes alot of strength to overcome our memories, fears, things in the past that we didnt know we knew.
Sorry to hear about the potential seperation, - often the way we feel has alot to do with relationships, the feeling of no one knowing how you feel or acting "normal" however hard that is. When you start to deal with or face those demons, that you didnt know were there, alot of things make sense, but alot of the time, we dont know about the demons until we talk - I know i didnt.
SJW and vit b complex are an amazing start - they will help the happy chemicals surface, and allow you to rebalance your thoughts, the councelling on top will also help.
I am a lazy so and so, and dont excercise as I should, but again, whatever your thoughts, its something you can do to help you. It releases more happy natural chemicals. A good sleep routine also helps. Make yourself go to bed at the same time, each night, tired or not, and play games to relax. Sleep will come. The more sleep, the more energised, the more energised, the more excercise and so on. The little things make the big difference.
I did whatever I could, whether I thought they were a lost cause / I was too lazy / didnt want to sleep whatever. Some things worked some didnt - its personal, as is the way you feel. There is alot we can do to help ourselves, I did most - despite hating it! And I am now well and lucky to be able to choose what i do or dont - Im still a lazy bugger! but my excuse is that i will do it if i feel down - good reason to pick myself up so i dont feel down in my book - and yes I know I am now well so have the luxury of being able to make the choice - there was a time where i didnt / couldnt / wasnt able - check the archives :)
SJW - 7 Years and struggle

Hi Jex,

Thank you sincerely for your kind response. My heart lifted as I read it, to be honest. To know someone else is out there, who has been where I and others are - so to speak - is very encouraging.

I read your (grateful) previous post too at http://www.sjwinfo.org/forum/showthread.php?t=3084&highlight=jexy

As you say, I think I am starting into a healing process, but unlike my previous hard work in "personal development", SJW is helping me to get to the root of emotional trauma that started my decsent into depression many years back. I will look into the Vit B complex addition too, good tip.

I find I had forgotten so much of (the emotional side) of what happened and the impact on me, during my Mum's alcoholism, but I am tapping into it gradually, but it is still very painful.

Sleep, while I get to sleep quickly, I always wake early - a common symptom. I need to give myself permission to go to bed early. My wife has not been so understanding of my difficulties and needs (her own issues), and that is one difficult piece, having to hide my depression from wife, kids and work colleagues, even though I can function ok.

I am the opposite of lazy, I push myself too hard and have grand expectations of my self, which actually come back to bite me energetically.

I know I need to give my self more time out to heal. But, the pressure of earning, with kids in private schools etc means I have to keep the funds coming in,. I know I am only realising 30% of my potential, because of depression's impact on my mind, body and spirit. This is the tragedy for many who suffer from depression. But I am starting to believe there is a way out, even though I have doubts and tend toward panic attacks, if I think I can't cope.

SJW has been an important component in my journey to wellness. Thank you for this wonderful site by the way.

I wish you much ongoing health, happiness, wellness and success.

The best, Peter
Hey Peter,
I read your post, and felt compelled to reply and tell you off! You really need to try and be kinder to you and give yourself a break!

This illness can be and is debillitating, and in itself, is its own evil - the worse we feel, the more we feel worse if that makes sense - until you end up seeing nothing positive and only pressures and negatives - which again help make it worse and then make you start to panic...

I realise you have alot on your plate, and the pressures of providing for a family, but you also need to try and give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.
Do me a favour - and this goes for anyone reading this :
when you are having a "wobble" as I used to call them, take 5 mins out of whatever you are doing and make yourself and I mean FORCE yourself to think of 5 "pleasures" or "good things" in your day so far - it could be anything from not having to queue at a checkout because a new one opened just when you thought you would be there for ages - how lucky is that! -or getting a parking space exactly where you wanted, to seeing your children smile, to finishing something you have been working on, etc. It could be absolutely anything at all - that normally would just happen and we dont acknowledge it as a positive thing, because depression only steers you to the negative things when you are feeling low. You will be surprised after a little practice, how much easier it gets to think of 5. Post them if you want to, maybe we should even start a 5 good things today thread!

On the sleep thing, that again is its own worst enemy isnt it - you wake early, get annoyed, start thinking, cant get back to sleep. I used to wake up, and learned to make myself not think - Id play the "relax from the toes up" game or something to stay relaxed and not wind myself up. My brain then learned that it really wasnt worth waking me up, because I wasnt going to give in to it!
I used to find it harder after a councelling session, but my counsellor said that was totally normal, councelling is like having non surgical brain surgery, and so your memory paths and things wake up and re connect things, which often happens when we are most relaxed. i did find that, like you, things seemed to get worse before they got better, because of the memories that had been buried.
The most important words she ever said to me, over and over, was the words "that is totally normal" because the depression often put things so totally out of perspective, and you think everything through to the Nth degree, that to hear I was actually "normal" and not some kind of freak, was amazing therapy in itself.

Please try and be kind to you, you are doing an amazing job of providing for your family, whilst coping with this, give yourself a break :)
On SJW 7 Years, To Go To Doctor Or Not?

Thank you again Jex,

You are correct. I am incredible hard on myself, as I know others maybe are on themselves in depression. I tend to be harder on myself the more I feel down, and it's a cycle.

I agree wholeheartedly with "5 things" idea. I started to keep a gratitude journal some time back, fill in periodically, and when I do it, I feel a bit better about a day, I may have deemed bad.

Thanks for clarifying the type of simple things I could begin to notice. They all add up to a bigger thing. Intellectually I sense if we never acknowledge gratitude for what we have, it is harder to attract positive things.

I am working to change a long cycle.

Thanks once again for your support. I mean it.

With kind regards,
Peter.... you are being hard on you again... please take it from someone who isn't a guru by any means but came out the other side - like you will.

"Thanks for clarifying the type of simple things I could begin to notice. They all add up to a bigger thing. Intellectually I sense if we never acknowledge gratitude for what we have, it is harder to attract positive things.

I am working to change a long cycle."

People who don't suffer and live with depression, often don't do this, they take everything for granted and never stop to appreciate - so don't beat yourself up. It's normal :)

You are blaming yourself, for not appreciating things, which was not my intention with the post at all, and I am sorry if it came over that way. Well I say you, when its the depression, not you :) its an evil beggar! Some day you will be typing replies to someone like I am to you - I promise, and I dont make promises I dont keep :) Its a VERY long story!
What I mean't was simply to try and make yourself see some positive things - rather than the illness dominating and only pointing out and making you think negatives.

Even to this day I have regrets that haunt me from being ill. For one, I couldn't face our leaving party, when we moved 400 miles away, just after I broke down and lost the plot, and in the worst depths of depression, so OH at the time went alone... faced 50 + people - it was a "surprise party" that one person who was our closest friend and knew I was ill, was told to not let happen, but couldnt stop. I regret so much that I wasnt there to support him amongst all our friends, and congratulate him on the promotion that led to the move - which for me couldnt have come at a worse time! But - like you, few people, if any knew of my battle - we get good at acting like its all ok :) . I realise now it wasnt my fault, but it is still something that will forever haunt me - despite now seeing I wasn't to blame at the time, I still feel terribad about it, even with it in perspective, and hate that depression made feel so unable to face people. See even when you beat it, there will still be niggles - but they are not as awful as they seemed at the time.
So - I'll start! here are my 5!
1) I have been feeding a robin for over a year... he comes and places himself in view to let me know he wants food... today, instead of flying off then coming back when I am done putting it out, like he has done every single day, when i went to place the food, he stayed put - like he trusted me finally! Sounds SO sad, and I am not a bird person, but he is such a personality! He taps at the window, and if I forget him, he has been known to fly into the kitchen!
2) England are talking about drought... Im in Scotland and fed up of rain! But todays rain was that light misty stuff that makes things look pretty, specially the bluebells that are out - see now I sound like some sort of hippy!
3) The hen I thought was gettting sick, was just having a teen tantrum and seems well today :)
4) a good review on trip advisor:D
5) my wonderful dog who TOTALLY understands me, bouncing around outside and making me giggle so much!

your turn :)
On SJW 7 Years

Hi Jexy,

Thanks again ! I take on board fully all that you say and will keep reading this, as I've printed it out, as a reminder and support.

It's ok. You did not offend me or initiate any self blame in me. I feel encouraged. I trust in your promises. When I come out of this, I will try to help others too. It is such a good thing you do. It would be easy for you to forget and move on, so thanks.

Re: your party, I have also been to so many events, when I felt so depressed, but battled to put on the act. That is so hard. I can only imaging how you could not face cuch an event, and how you felt. It was not your fault at all. No one understands who hasn't been there. I am learning also to bail out of difficult work social situations, if booze involved, Alcohol really triggers my depression. Even one pint. I am trying to find a balance between my needs, and the needs of others.

Sadly, I don't see my long time friends as much, cause they go to the pub a lot more than I feel comfy doing.

Here's my five today in response.

1. My two daughters are happy, healthy and doing well at school.

2. I have a nice home and neighbours.

3. The weather was beautiful today. I am in Ireland, my fellow Celt ! Hope Scotland gets the nice weather.

4. You sent me a nice encouraging reply.

5. I had a very good business meeting today.

All the best and have a lovely weekend, Peter
hey peter
thanks for the support over the party - you are braver than me, you still do them :)
A really good 5 you found! I would love to go spend some time in Ireland I hear its beautiful, I only ever went to Dublin on buisness in a former life, and it was really expensive for a pint of Guiness - in fact any pint!
Unlike you, although I know alcohol isnt helping, its the nature of the beast for me, and on tap literally, so I kid myself alot!
Despite losing my favourite hen today :( I am going to try and keep up with you!
1) Everyones mugs arrived today, and it was nice to see their faces and them giggle and thank me for the different things I put! ( I get everyone a personalised mug that comes to work here, makes them feel part of it and I try to make them really personal)
2) Some really good food comments - I often reply "they dont get out much" as I have no confidence in what I have ended up doing - but today, thinking of practising what I preach to you I tried to believe them!
3) Weather is improving, it almost stayed sunny for at least an hour! It is so hard to not get grumpy when they are talking of drought in England and hose pipe bans when we have had nothign but rain for a month! Even Vanessa Phelps who is standing in for Jeremy Vine on radio 2 was saying about her sun burn! (we dont get TV where we are, so sad as it seems, Radio 2 is my main connection to the outside world!)
4) Buster my boxer, as always the love of my life :)
5) you managing to find 5, and the 5 made me smile so thank you

Have a lovely weekend yourself